A few weeks ago, at the Uno game me, Jimmy, and Austin play everyday sixth hour, Austin mentioned something about buying a five pack of man-thongs.
Instantly me and Jimmy were intrigued. We asked where you can buy this beautiful package of wonderment. Austin said he found them at Wal-Mart.
The hunt began.
Last Friday, me and Jimmy wanted to hang out after school. Ryan had asked the gang before school who wanted to go to Panda afterwards. Only I said yes to his question which prompted him to say 'never mind'. Since he's the one with a car and I don't have a car, this prompted some issues. I NEED PANDA TO LIVE!
Eventually the promise of me buying Ryan's Panda practically forced him to comply with my demands. I had to stop at my bank first, cause part of the deal was that we had to go shopping for my girlfriends Valentines day gift. Jimmy was to come along as well. Fortunately Johnny was also accompanying us, but unfortunately another person who will not be named came with us. After Panda we dropped she-who-must-not-be-named off, and then Johnny, we proceeded to go to Kohls.
After buying everything, (Ryan got a comfort shirt and Jimmy got a sweet Batman watch) we wondered what else we could do.
Thats when Jimmy suggested we buy MAN-THONGS! at Wal-Mart.
We rushed over to Wal-Mart, only to find out that they did not carry man-thongs, but they did have a weak, horrible substitute. String bikinis. They are like man-thongs, but have a back which resembles the whitey-tighty backs, and was not a real man thong. Disappointed, me and Ryan bought sweet watches for $9.68 instead.
*UPDATE* We have been notified that K-Mart carries man-thongs. THEY WILL BE OURS!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Fire and Hair Do Not Mix
Chemistry class eighth hour with Mr. Boyd sophomore year was certainly one of the most interesting classes I have ever taken, but not for the subject (sorry Mr. Boyd, you made it as interesting as it could be to me). The mishaps during the labs were more entertaining than anything else. One day we were forced to be quiet (meaning me and howard) in order to do a special lab at the end of class.
We were to get our hands and arms completely wet with water, then scoop up a large amount of methane bubbles, then set our arms on fire.
What could go wrong?
Well, apparently if you have long hair you were supposed to take special care to keep your head back, me being one of them, since I was donning a gigantic afro.
When it was my turn, I got my arms wet and scooped up the bubbles with my hands, and let them loose over the open flame, but when I did that, I leaned forward and the flame went right by my face.
Now, everbody was having a jolly time, laughing and smiling because Americans are pyros and obsessed with flames and explosions. I turned around after it was over and saw Mr. Boyd's expression go from a big smile to an intense look of terror, seemingly in slow motion. He then yelled "YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!" and started hitting the flame growing on my head. After a good twenty seconds of being hit I ran out the door of the classroom yelling 'MY HAIR WAS ON FIRE!".
When I took a shower that night I noticed little black flakes falling from my scalp and a distinct burned smell escaping. There was a little bald spot until I cut my hair.
We were to get our hands and arms completely wet with water, then scoop up a large amount of methane bubbles, then set our arms on fire.
What could go wrong?
Well, apparently if you have long hair you were supposed to take special care to keep your head back, me being one of them, since I was donning a gigantic afro.
When it was my turn, I got my arms wet and scooped up the bubbles with my hands, and let them loose over the open flame, but when I did that, I leaned forward and the flame went right by my face.
Now, everbody was having a jolly time, laughing and smiling because Americans are pyros and obsessed with flames and explosions. I turned around after it was over and saw Mr. Boyd's expression go from a big smile to an intense look of terror, seemingly in slow motion. He then yelled "YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!" and started hitting the flame growing on my head. After a good twenty seconds of being hit I ran out the door of the classroom yelling 'MY HAIR WAS ON FIRE!".
When I took a shower that night I noticed little black flakes falling from my scalp and a distinct burned smell escaping. There was a little bald spot until I cut my hair.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Work Stories #2: "U Pick 2 and the Double Caesar Salad."
Hey gang,
To start off this post, i'm going to begin to describe just how the cashier behind the counter feels about you, from first glance, right as you walk in the door.
They hate you.
One of the biggest tips I have for anybody who has yet to have a job, specifically in retail or fast food, is to hate everybody that comes into your shop, no matter how big their smile is or how politely they say hello to you. Do not show your hatred for them, just feel it deep inside. It makes it easier to deal with any bad customer when you brace for it from the beginning.
It was a particularly busy Sunday afternoon, I get in at around 2:00 o'clock. My shift was until 10:00. I get in around that time the lunch rush is finishing up, but since everyone working before me had been up from either 6:00, 7:00 or 8:00 they were eager to leave. So right as I clock in, I am faced with a line of customers and no other help is to be seen, except if I looked at the door and saw everybody leaving. 'Okay, nothing I can't handle.' I foolishly thought as I asked to help the next person.
Unfortunately whenever I begin a shift, I become really nervous for the first five or six transactions. I just have to settle into my surroundings, even though i've worked at Panera for about 6-7 months, 20+ hours a week.
Also, just to clarify, a U Pick 2 is a popular option at Panera where you can pick two items, from a 1/2 sandwich, a 1/2 salad, or a cup of soup, hence the name 'U Pick 2'. Since the sign on the menu lists all three possible items next to each other, confused morons come in asking for all three items or asking why they can only pick 2 or why they cant just get half of a sandwich. It is annoying as hell.
A large lady (what is it with large ladies being mean to me???) and her smaller but equally massive husband come up to the register. The lady looks about 50, with a short haircut which was obviously dyed red and too much makeup on her cheeks. Unfortunately I was not braced for her, because I just clocked in. She begins by not responding to my hello in any way, shape or form and begins to bark her order.
Lady:'I need a U Pick 2 with two caesar salads.'
Me: 'I'm really sorry, but you can only pick one salad in the U Pick 2.'
Lady: *silence and confused look*
Me: 'I'm not trying to argue with you (yes I actually said that) but the register will not even allow me to put two caesar salads. We can easily take a full salad and put it on two plates for the half salads for you, and its actually cheaper. There is no benefit of putting it in the U Pick 2 anyways.'
Lady:'Don't argue with me young man, I want a U Pick 2 with two caesar salads. I get it all the time and I don't see the problem.
Me:'I can't physically put it into the computer and the line ladies will not make anything that doesn't show up on the screen. I'm not trying to argue but I'm telling you its cheaper to buy the full-'
This is where I become interrupted by the lady, which I will now refer too as 'The Moronic Behemoth'.
TMB:'I WANT MY FUCKING U PICK 2 WITH TWO CAESAR SALADS! DONT ARGUE WITH THE CUSTOMER! WHERE IS YOUR GODDAMNED MANAGER?!'
Me:'Just a minute, he'll be right out.' I said as politely as I could, trying to remain mature to show everyone in the restuarant (now staring at me) that the lady was indeed crazy as hell.
Then Brian came out. Brian is one of the coolest managers you could hope to have. Unfortunately Panera's policy for when a customer is pissed isn't 'defend your employee', its 'you have to kiss their ass and don't say anything to defend your employee or you are fired.' So he comes out, pissed as hell since some lady was yelling at me, and all he could do was attempt to explain to this moron that you can't have a U Pick 2 with two Caesar salads. After yelling at him that he doesn't know how to do his job he finally gives in and says to just charge the lady for a u pick 2 with one caesar salad and he told the ladies to make two half salads.
Then the lady says 'finally I get what I fucking asked for!' as she waddled to her seat. And there was her husband, still standing there, waiting to make his order and pay for the food. It was intensely awkward, but I still had my peppy subserviant voice on that I use on customers and gave him a big smile when he was done ordering.
I then proceeded to hide in the back until they finished eating. Brian said this when the lady left:
'Hey Sean, you can come out now, crazy lady left.'
To start off this post, i'm going to begin to describe just how the cashier behind the counter feels about you, from first glance, right as you walk in the door.
They hate you.
One of the biggest tips I have for anybody who has yet to have a job, specifically in retail or fast food, is to hate everybody that comes into your shop, no matter how big their smile is or how politely they say hello to you. Do not show your hatred for them, just feel it deep inside. It makes it easier to deal with any bad customer when you brace for it from the beginning.
It was a particularly busy Sunday afternoon, I get in at around 2:00 o'clock. My shift was until 10:00. I get in around that time the lunch rush is finishing up, but since everyone working before me had been up from either 6:00, 7:00 or 8:00 they were eager to leave. So right as I clock in, I am faced with a line of customers and no other help is to be seen, except if I looked at the door and saw everybody leaving. 'Okay, nothing I can't handle.' I foolishly thought as I asked to help the next person.
Unfortunately whenever I begin a shift, I become really nervous for the first five or six transactions. I just have to settle into my surroundings, even though i've worked at Panera for about 6-7 months, 20+ hours a week.
Also, just to clarify, a U Pick 2 is a popular option at Panera where you can pick two items, from a 1/2 sandwich, a 1/2 salad, or a cup of soup, hence the name 'U Pick 2'. Since the sign on the menu lists all three possible items next to each other, confused morons come in asking for all three items or asking why they can only pick 2 or why they cant just get half of a sandwich. It is annoying as hell.
A large lady (what is it with large ladies being mean to me???) and her smaller but equally massive husband come up to the register. The lady looks about 50, with a short haircut which was obviously dyed red and too much makeup on her cheeks. Unfortunately I was not braced for her, because I just clocked in. She begins by not responding to my hello in any way, shape or form and begins to bark her order.
Lady:'I need a U Pick 2 with two caesar salads.'
Me: 'I'm really sorry, but you can only pick one salad in the U Pick 2.'
Lady: *silence and confused look*
Me: 'I'm not trying to argue with you (yes I actually said that) but the register will not even allow me to put two caesar salads. We can easily take a full salad and put it on two plates for the half salads for you, and its actually cheaper. There is no benefit of putting it in the U Pick 2 anyways.'
Lady:'Don't argue with me young man, I want a U Pick 2 with two caesar salads. I get it all the time and I don't see the problem.
Me:'I can't physically put it into the computer and the line ladies will not make anything that doesn't show up on the screen. I'm not trying to argue but I'm telling you its cheaper to buy the full-'
This is where I become interrupted by the lady, which I will now refer too as 'The Moronic Behemoth'.
TMB:'I WANT MY FUCKING U PICK 2 WITH TWO CAESAR SALADS! DONT ARGUE WITH THE CUSTOMER! WHERE IS YOUR GODDAMNED MANAGER?!'
Me:'Just a minute, he'll be right out.' I said as politely as I could, trying to remain mature to show everyone in the restuarant (now staring at me) that the lady was indeed crazy as hell.
Then Brian came out. Brian is one of the coolest managers you could hope to have. Unfortunately Panera's policy for when a customer is pissed isn't 'defend your employee', its 'you have to kiss their ass and don't say anything to defend your employee or you are fired.' So he comes out, pissed as hell since some lady was yelling at me, and all he could do was attempt to explain to this moron that you can't have a U Pick 2 with two Caesar salads. After yelling at him that he doesn't know how to do his job he finally gives in and says to just charge the lady for a u pick 2 with one caesar salad and he told the ladies to make two half salads.
Then the lady says 'finally I get what I fucking asked for!' as she waddled to her seat. And there was her husband, still standing there, waiting to make his order and pay for the food. It was intensely awkward, but I still had my peppy subserviant voice on that I use on customers and gave him a big smile when he was done ordering.
I then proceeded to hide in the back until they finished eating. Brian said this when the lady left:
'Hey Sean, you can come out now, crazy lady left.'
Monday, February 16, 2009
Work Stories #1: "Playing With Food"
Seeing as I spend 20 hours or so a week at work, a large amount of stories generate from me being there, some are funny, some make me cringe when I remember them, and the rest make me laugh. This particular story comes from my first few weeks at my job.
I'm a teenager, so naturally I work at a retail job since I'm poor and couldn't get a job with a family friend sitting on my ass texting all day. I work at Panera Bread. For those who don't know, its a 'fast casual' restaurant, meaning fast food, but slightly higher class then your average restaurant. We specialize in bread, but we sell more soup, sandwiches and salads than anything. We also sell coffee and coffee drinks, and this story involves our 'Frozen' drinks, which is a blended coffee drink with whip cream, pretty much identical to a Frap.
I was in training, and it was my second or third week on the job, and at Panera, that means you still know nothing at all (cause there is so much to know). I was assigned to train 'Barista', meaning coffee drinks, and seeing as it was September, people were still buying cold drinks. Now, this one particularly large lady ordered a 'Frozen Mocha', which I proceeded to make. However, it was my third one ever, and I was staring at the chart that we have taped to the wall right by the blenders, trying to figure out how to make the damn drink again.
According to the chart, a Frozen Mocha involves this:
1 cup ice
Base mix
3 pumps choclate
Blend
whip cream top
choclate sauce topping
This means that first you fill the cup up to the top with ice from the ice bin under the counter, using the scoop to keep the ice level with the top of the cup, then take the pitcher of base mix (a solution of 'mediterranian blend, whatever the fuck that is, and 7 half and halfs into a giant container) and fill it to the top of the panera logo on the cup. Then you dump that into a container made for the blender, and push on the choclate sauce pump 3 times into the blender container, which is a feat in itself since the damn pumps take so much pressure just to force them down once. Then you put it into the blender, press 'setting 3', which you use for every different blended drink (all four of them). Then you hit the container against the counter twice, if you even hope to start to get the mixture out of the container. After using a careful technique of putting the container at a precise angle as to have the mixture flow out in the cup and not all over the counter and your hand, you finally have 1/2 of the drink completed.
Now here is where the story continues: my trainer (who actually was not a trainer) and my manager (Carlos, who I will talk about later) were watching me as I fumbled through the making of the drink, laughing all the while instead of helping me. Now here comes the hard part of the Frozen drinks: the whip cream. Unless the can of whip cream being used is freshly opened, you are garunteed to get half-assed whip cream that makes the drink look like shit, and there is also a technique for spreading the whip cream that they purposefully omitted from my training to play a prank on me. So when I went to put the whip cream on the drink, I managed to only get half of the drink covered in whip cream, and it was lopsided as well. My trainer Vince and manager Carlos were laughing with me after viewing my epic failure, as I attempted to move the whip cream over with the nozzle of the can.
That was where I went wrong.
The lady began to yell at me these words exactly, which I will never forget in my entire life:
'Who do you think you are, playing with MY food? Now you can make it again. You should know better.' she barked.
Me, not being used to being barked at by angry customers, quickly turned around from her angry face and muttered 'YOU know better.'
To this day I do not know if she heard me or not. All i know is Vince went 'Oohh...' and took some steps back. Sam, the person at the register, said she was distracting the lady saying I was new and offering her free cookies and shit, so I don't know if she heard or not. I went into the back and stayed there for 30 minutes, red-faced, with my face in my palms.
I'm a teenager, so naturally I work at a retail job since I'm poor and couldn't get a job with a family friend sitting on my ass texting all day. I work at Panera Bread. For those who don't know, its a 'fast casual' restaurant, meaning fast food, but slightly higher class then your average restaurant. We specialize in bread, but we sell more soup, sandwiches and salads than anything. We also sell coffee and coffee drinks, and this story involves our 'Frozen' drinks, which is a blended coffee drink with whip cream, pretty much identical to a Frap.
I was in training, and it was my second or third week on the job, and at Panera, that means you still know nothing at all (cause there is so much to know). I was assigned to train 'Barista', meaning coffee drinks, and seeing as it was September, people were still buying cold drinks. Now, this one particularly large lady ordered a 'Frozen Mocha', which I proceeded to make. However, it was my third one ever, and I was staring at the chart that we have taped to the wall right by the blenders, trying to figure out how to make the damn drink again.
According to the chart, a Frozen Mocha involves this:
1 cup ice
Base mix
3 pumps choclate
Blend
whip cream top
choclate sauce topping
This means that first you fill the cup up to the top with ice from the ice bin under the counter, using the scoop to keep the ice level with the top of the cup, then take the pitcher of base mix (a solution of 'mediterranian blend, whatever the fuck that is, and 7 half and halfs into a giant container) and fill it to the top of the panera logo on the cup. Then you dump that into a container made for the blender, and push on the choclate sauce pump 3 times into the blender container, which is a feat in itself since the damn pumps take so much pressure just to force them down once. Then you put it into the blender, press 'setting 3', which you use for every different blended drink (all four of them). Then you hit the container against the counter twice, if you even hope to start to get the mixture out of the container. After using a careful technique of putting the container at a precise angle as to have the mixture flow out in the cup and not all over the counter and your hand, you finally have 1/2 of the drink completed.
Now here is where the story continues: my trainer (who actually was not a trainer) and my manager (Carlos, who I will talk about later) were watching me as I fumbled through the making of the drink, laughing all the while instead of helping me. Now here comes the hard part of the Frozen drinks: the whip cream. Unless the can of whip cream being used is freshly opened, you are garunteed to get half-assed whip cream that makes the drink look like shit, and there is also a technique for spreading the whip cream that they purposefully omitted from my training to play a prank on me. So when I went to put the whip cream on the drink, I managed to only get half of the drink covered in whip cream, and it was lopsided as well. My trainer Vince and manager Carlos were laughing with me after viewing my epic failure, as I attempted to move the whip cream over with the nozzle of the can.
That was where I went wrong.
The lady began to yell at me these words exactly, which I will never forget in my entire life:
'Who do you think you are, playing with MY food? Now you can make it again. You should know better.' she barked.
Me, not being used to being barked at by angry customers, quickly turned around from her angry face and muttered 'YOU know better.'
To this day I do not know if she heard me or not. All i know is Vince went 'Oohh...' and took some steps back. Sam, the person at the register, said she was distracting the lady saying I was new and offering her free cookies and shit, so I don't know if she heard or not. I went into the back and stayed there for 30 minutes, red-faced, with my face in my palms.
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About Me
- Sean Page
- Lake Villa, Illinois, United States
- I'm an eighteen year old high school senior who plans to go to NIU in the fall as an Operations Management and Information Systems major, I spend my free time lying to my parents about school/being stupid and playing video games and the rest with my girlfriend.I spend the rest of my time working, or at school.